Saturday, April 15, 2006

40 Days of Prayer (day 26)

Day 26
March 30, 2006

Is it Satan’s mocking or God’s admonition? “Who do you think you are to think that you have a ‘word’ for anyone?” “Don’t ‘presume’ to think that you speak for God!” “What makes you think that you ‘understand’ anything in the Bible at all?” “People coming to you for Spiritual advice - Pshaw - it’s just an ‘ego trip’, that’s all!” “Yeah, who do you think you are…?”

God, I’m afraid. Who DO I think I am to be teaching Your Word? What DOES make me think I can write or say anything…? God! What if I’m wrong? What if I give the wrong advice? What if I interpret Your Word wrong? I have before, You know…

God, I want to throw off this mantle. I want to throw off this weight of responsibility. I just want to study Your word for my own self. I just want to know all the stories, all the history, all the nuances of Your Word, but God, I don’t want the responsibility of someone else’s Soul!

I want to teach the stories of the Bible. I want to share the wonder of Your Word. I want to show how Your Hand is active in the lives of men and women, but then Lord, I want to leave the rest of it up to them! I just want to teach the “generic Word of God…” I don’t want to carry the weight of any implications they might derive from what I’ve taught…

I thought I understood James’ words “Let not many of you become teachers, my brethren, knowing that as such we will incur a stricter judgment.” I gave some lofty “lip service” to “oh what a responsibility we have…” but then, someone came to me with a question - seeking understanding, clarification of something that was said. Then, another person asked for help with direction... My children seek my advice… Complete strangers ask me to “tell the story in simplified terms - explain what it means!…”

GOD! I don’t want this anymore…

Lord, my understanding has become a ball and chain around my ankle that I must drag with me every step of my way. I don’t want this responsibility, this liability any more. What if I’m wrong…? What if it’s not an understanding after all? What if it’s simply a delusion? What if I’m wrong…?

Or, what if I’m making something out of nothing? What if I’m exaggerating my own importance? What if I’m over dramatizing the situation? What if I’m only flattering myself…?

God … Abba, My Father, I’m afraid… Send someone to me - give me a word…

If this is what You want me to do, Lord. You’re going to have to show me if it’s “real” and then, how to do it. Lord, I don’t even know, what I don’t know… I don’t know how to begin searching for answers, because I don’t even know what the questions are. Father, put someone in my path. If You would have me be a teacher, then send me one…

I submit myself to You.

In Jesus’ name - Amen


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